


Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em

by rebelkitty84



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 08:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelkitty84/pseuds/rebelkitty84
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>L-Space is a treacherous place - when a certain Discworld Wizzard ends up in the Hogwarts library... well it's not going to be a normal school year</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em

 

There is an interesting dimension known to all who have ventured into dusty little second hand book shops, old libraries or even attics belonging to book lovers.

 

Students of the Unseen University, Scholars throughout the multiverse, Librarians, Ravenclaws and of course Hermione Granger have all experienced it on a regular basis though it is unknown whether they have actually _noticed_ the experience.

 

This dimension is known as L-Space, simply put it is due to the fact that the power of the words stored in any collection of books can bend space and time.

 

Words = Knowledge

Knowledge = Power

Power = Energy

Energy = Mass

 

Basically L-Space is a polite, educated, black hole.

 

The one currently experiencing this physics defying space was running rather quickly, his red and yellow robes billowing in the wind generated by his speed. He had once again seen into the dungeon dimensions – this time an incident with the Dean, Hex, some students and, bizarrely, some lime jelly.

* * *

Madame Pince was shocked when a tall, thin man with a straggly, scruffy attempt at a beard suddenly emerged from the Restricted Section and ran screaming from the library.

 

She didn't have time to shush him before he was gone in a blur of red and gold, though his raggedy pointed hat was left behind. Picking it up she decided to call for Dumbledore, she had never seen him before and had never heard of a wizard that wore such a tacky red hat covered in gold moons and stars with the word 'Wizzard' badly embroidered on it.

 

As it was it was several hours before Albus Dumbledore managed to locate his wayward guest, and then it was only thanks to a fire call from his dour potions master.

 

"Ah, Headmaster... I believe this... person? Is the reason you have the entire castle in an uproar?" Severus Snape asked, one eyebrow rose delicately as he looked towards the headmaster.

 

In front of them the hapless visitor was hanging from a gargoyle - strangely pleading with it for help - where he had been deposited by the castle's resident poltergeist Peeves.

 

"Ah, excellent, thank you Severus... I believe we can manage now" Albus smiled cheerfully as he levitated the unfortunate man down "Now my good fellow, oh dear..."

 

Albus' twinkle dimmed slightly as the strange man attempted to flee once again.

"Perhaps I should stay?" his dark haired colleague suggested as he cast a body bind and captured their errant guest.

 

* * *

 

 

A short while later and the trio were in the Headmaster's opulent office and the stranger settled into a comfortable chair with only a sticking charm holding him in place so they could talk.

 

"There we go my good chap, much more civilised... lemon drop?" Dumbledore offered kindly as a house elf appeared with coffee, tea and biscuits.

 

"I...ah...I...um... who are you and where am I?" the stranger managed.

 

"Oh gods, another Quirrell" Snape muttered, rubbing his eyes and fishing around in his robes for the veritiserum... it looked to be necessary.

 

"Why, there's no need to worry now, I'm Albus Brian Wulfric Dumbledore, Headmaster of this fine establishment - Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and this is Professor Severus Snape, our Potions Master" Albus smiled warmly while Snape glowered, "Now, you know who we are and where this is - I would venture you consider yourself a wizard... from your dress and...Ahem... _this_ "

 

He put the red had on his desk, the tattered 'Wizzard' twinkling in an embarrassed manner in the warm light.

 

"However I remember all our students and most of the wizards I have met in my years of travels and confess I have never met you or heard of anyone matching your description... yet you sound decidedly English in accent when you were pleading for your life earlier..."

 

"I... my name... I'm Rincewind... this is a school? For wizards _and witches_?! Since when could witches attend a _school_?! I... a... seem to have made a wrong turn in the Library, dungeon dimensions and all that" Rincewind shrugged slightly and looked ashamed... "I know, I'm supposed to know better, I am supposed to just help the Librarian, get him fresh bananas and translate for the first years... oh sorry I'm Assistant Librarian in the Unseen University"

 

At the blank looks from the others he began to look worries, this wasn't just the normal accident related to the UU then...

 

"You know... UU? The greatest magical university on the Disc? In Ankh Morpork?!" He started to get desperate.

 

"The... Disc?" Snape sighed, this was worse than dealing with Potter and his friends, and to think he had hoped for a quiet summer.

 

"The Disc? You know... the world? The thing we're on... on top of the Great Turtle A'tuin?" Rincewind was beginning to hyperventilate.

 

"Don't be ridiculous... the Earth is round... that has been known and proven for centuries... Unseen University? Ankh Morpork? Just where are you from?" Snape sneered.

 

"Oh no... Oh no no no..." Rincewind started to babble "This is worse than when they forced me to be a professor, worse than The Cruel and Unusual Geography ever was... this... this is the _Round World!_ Isn’t it? Tell me, are we after Shakespeare? Very nice man but a trifle odd... Oh dear... I need to get home - wait a minute, last time we were here there wasn't a single trace of magic, we couldn't find it anywhere"

 

"Why don't we discuss it over dinner...? Mr... Rincewind wasn't it? Now you are saying you were a professor? And work in a prestigious school of magic? Excellent, I was wondering if I could persuade you to take on a temporary position here while a friend of mine returns from overseas... just until the end of term..." Dumbledore lead the still stuttering and fretful new wizard to the main hall, chattering merrily all the while

 

"Oh gods... this may just be the worst year yet..." Snape followed, shaking his head wearily and shook his head as he prayed for patience.

 

* * *

 

Come September 1st and the students were all back in the school, the Sorting had gone smoothly and the 'Golden Trio' were back for their fifth year.

 

Harry Potter sat quietly, his trade mark green eyes watching the staff table as the Headmaster rambled through his normal start of term announcements, next to him his best friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley were already arguing about their work schedules - Hermione was determined to not allow any 'adventures' to interfere with her OWLs this year.

 

"And finally" Headmaster Dumbledore started to wrap up "I would like to introduce our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Rincewind"

 

Polite applause came from both staff and students as Rincewind stood and took a nervous bow before knocking over a pitcher of some drink or other and he sat back down, dabbing ineffectively at the resulting mess with his napkin before Snape vanished the mess with a sigh.

 

"Oh great... another Quirrell" Harry sighed.

 

Both he and Snape would be horrified if they ever realised just how alike they truly were.

 

* * *

 

 

Several days later it was the first Defence class of the year for the fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins, they were all curious about the new professor and many strange stories were flooding the castle about his classes.

 

For starters they were now outside and the area of the grounds they were in had a series of climbing apparatus.

 

"Welcome everyone" Rincewind called, rubbing his hands together nervously "I have two main goals this term, make sure you all know how to get away from danger and that you are fit enough to do so... I will leave the violence and other suicidal tendencies for your new Professor to deal with"

 

Several of the students rolled their eyes at this, apparently this teacher would be their worse yet.

 

"First of all - if you don't have your wand, say your foe took it or broke it - what is your first course of action?" Rincewind asked.

 

"Thump 'em" Ron called out, grinning as most of the other Gryffindors laughed.

 

"You think you can thump someone before they can cast a spell Mr...ah... Wesley?" Rincewind asked incredulously.

 

Ron flushed furiously, embarrassed by the rebuke and the teacher getting his name wrong like that.

 

"Well, anyone else?" Rincewind asked, cutting through the now sniggering Slytherins.

 

"A strategic retreat?" Suggested Malfoy, smirking.

 

"Yes! If outnumbered, faced with superior weapons or skills then you should _run away!_ It’s a good policy and has kept me alive this long! A brave life is normally a short life!" Rincewind smiled almost crazily "Now what was it... oh yes... umn... five points to... uh... Snake house...? Ah... Slytherin!"

 

By this point the entire class were trying to supress their mirth, he was just ridiculous as a teacher - especially the way he flailed as he talked.

 

"Now sometimes you can't always escape, you don't have your wand but you are close enough to use physical force... you don't hit with your hands though... that's the fast track to broken fingers and teeth in your fingers... you need an improvised weapon and I will show you the secret to my success... all you need is one sock and one rock... now unless you are a heathen or in bed you should have one of these on you at all times!" Rincewind waved a rather hideous orange and green sock at them.

 

"You place Rock A into Sock B and there - easy made melee weapon - now these take some practice but with some easy wrist action you can defend yourself, break your opponent’s wand, arm and even cripple their legs all in some well-placed simple strikes" Rincewind demonstrated on a dummy "I want you to each grab a training sock from the table, a rock from the basket and find a dummy to practice on"

 

The students all looked at each other blankly, several were wondering if their new defence teacher had been experimenting with some rather unusual potions.

 

"Well?" Rincewind started to scowl "Get on with it people!"

 

One hour later Harry and Hermione were helping Ron to the Infirmary. He had a beauty of a black eye starting as well as a mild concussion. Somehow his sock and rock had tangled with Malfoy's rock and sock... and when he jerked to release them the weapon had flailed wildly and smacked straight into his face.

 

The next class had them running, jumping, climbing and even swimming around the assault course - something that soon exhausted most of the wizards and witches who were mostly unused to much physical exercise other than walking around the vast school.

 

A few weeks later has screams among the class as a large trunk suddenly ran among them - looking like a somewhat battered sea chest two features stood out - for one it had many tiny bare human feet and two it kept lifting its own lid and showing odd gleaming white teeth... well three if you could it was his animated, intelligent luggage.

 

However the Luggage soon became a school wide hero when it chased Mrs Norris into submission, ate Hagrid's latest 'harmless' pet and on Halloween it pulled off the biggest coop seen by anyone there.

 

Deloris Umbridge had been sent into the school by Fudge to 'inspect' the teaching standards and oust anyone she didn't like, she was hideous and toad like in her knitted pink collection. 

 

Halloween was the day she announced all clubs and sports were to be restricted for the 'good of the children' and caused uproar - however as she tried to make her escape she stepped backwards and tripped.

 

The last sounds she heard were a wooden creak and the sound of  a slamming trunk lid.

 

A few moments later the Luggage released an almighty burp and released a small golden object - a ring bearing the dark mark.

 

That was the best Halloween that Hogwarts had seen in many a year and Rincewind hailed as the best DADA teacher they had ever had.

 

The ministry couldn't prosecute anyone as after all - there are no rules regarding arresting luggage.

 

A few short months later Rincewind went into the library to find a rare book and was never seen again, three days later the Luggage left to.

 

Tales about the Sock Warrior would linger though and even after Harry's Grandchildren started at Hogwarts there were tales of the strange cowardly wizard who fought his way through like with a pair of socks, two rocks and dumb luck.

 

* * *

 

The fact that Harry ultimately won his battle with Voldemort due to surprising him with a blessed rock in a sock made from unicorn hair has nothing to do with Rincewind... so he claims.

 


End file.
